can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
