I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
