so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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