i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
