my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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