So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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