I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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