Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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