Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
