So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
