im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
