so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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