I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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