those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
