Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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