I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
