we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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