I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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