Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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