Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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