oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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