Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How's work?
Spinning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
