Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
where does the pee come out of this thing
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Congratulations! We have a period
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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