if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
