bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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