take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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