Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize