you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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