So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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