Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
