your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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