haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
