3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
