Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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