where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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