so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
