It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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