I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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