Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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