...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
