Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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