Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize