Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
