The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
