remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
