i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize