I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
