I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
