Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
