don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
