She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
