My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
