I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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