Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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