i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
